You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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