If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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