So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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