Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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