Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize