WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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