you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
