he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
