today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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