To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
