The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The uberlube is also flammable
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
