My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
