Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
