Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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