I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
