i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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