so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
