need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
