I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
