Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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