rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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