tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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