I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
