Swine flu. Run for my life!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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