My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize