I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
