What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize