Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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