Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
