dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
