Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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