i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
