you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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