Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
