Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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