Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
