It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
