So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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