I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
