I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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