A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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