the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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