FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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