look no pants
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
