I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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