i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
