Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
