Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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