im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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