Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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