Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
