I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
