not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
