Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
