2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize