Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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