they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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