i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
so much tequila, so little girl.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Someone signed my nipple.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
