I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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