I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
