I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
