Acid is not a monday night drug
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
