I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
