just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
