2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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