Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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