I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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