just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
