did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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