I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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