I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
my liver is dry heaving
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
