if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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