The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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