your parents love me but you hate me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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