I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just cut my nipple shaving
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
