Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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