That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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